Friday, June 18, 2010

Dear Husband, Part Four

I have always been the one to pick up the pieces after a break up, or melt down, and the turning point, or breaking point of everything happened about 8 months ago. I had seen C about a month after we had been married, and I really thought that things would desolve with us, and that C and I would finally make a decision to be together, and make a life together. I kept pushing you, further and further away, hoping that you would leave, because I was a coward. I didn't want to be the one that ended things, I wasn't even sure I wanted to end things. I just wanted to be able to have both you & C in my life, and I guess my bed.
    On the night that broke me, we had gotten into a huge fight, and I left. I packed and I didn't look back, at least at first. I went to dinner with my sister, you called and asked if I would be home..I told you that I probablly wouldn't. I made plans to hang out with C, I had been talking to him almost every day, all day long. I went over there after dinner, we stayed the night together. When I came home the next morning, you were just getting home also. I knew instantly that you had done the same thing that I had. I knew that you had found someone else. Even thought you didn't admit it right away, I knew. Finally I got the whole story, parts from you, and parts from girls that didn't even know me, but thought I should know the whole story.
     It broke my heart, for the first time in our relationship you had actually slept with another girl while we were still together. Yes, I am a hypocrite, yes, I sound crazy, but I was devastated by the act. I realized exactly how you had felt every time you found out about C and I. I never wanted to ever be with anyone ever again. I never wanted to see you again. I turned off my phone. I went to work, and then went to my moms and stayed. I cried, I went crazy, I wrote you the meanest letter I could muster. You continued to go out to the bars and get trashed every night. Tuesday morning I had the day off and I went to town and got divorce papers. I filled them out, texted you to tell you that I would file them on Friday when I got paid, you were devasted. I don't know what you had expected.
    You offered to do anything in your power to make it work. Our relationship had been stable, and the reason it was going so bad was because I wanted it to go bad. I always turned into a different person when I started talking to C.. I held off on filing the papers with the agreement that we would go to counseling. We went separately for weeks before we started going together, while also going separately. It was and is the hardest thing we have ever gone through. There hadn't been violence in our relationship, in over a year when the event happened where we both stepped out.
   After the night with C, I called him bawling to tell him what I had found out about you. He was furious. He didn't get why I was upset that you had stepped out. I had wanted out. I was out. And again I was going back to you. And not going to him. I have talked to him once after all of this, just recently, I texted his phone number on accident, one of our friends is similar and somewhere in my brain his number came out of my finger tips. He was rude, and told me that I had broken his heart over and over again. And that he had loved me. I didn't know what to do. I had loved him. I had wanted him to tell me what to do. I wanted him to tell me to leave you and be with him, yet he would never. I just stopped texting him.
    I am not going to say there are not days when I want to be in a different world, where C and I grew old together, when you and I are going through a rut, where we are both so exhausted from work and that it has been weeks since we were intimate, but then I think that I would never have the beautiful house that I have with you. Or the amazing late night conversations, or the text that I get from you. I have always chose you, and I am so happy that I did.
  Through my letters to you, I have kinda made you out to be the bad guy, I realize that I am at fault for a lot of the frustration, and hurt, and pain that causes a lot of our problems. I have had such a hard time with being faithful, and even if we did have a rough start, there have been some of the best times that I have ever had, with you. You are a hard worker, and you have grown so much in the years since we first got together at 18 year old kids, now that we're on the brink of 25, it just doesn't seem possible that I have spent that much time with you.
 We haven't had any violence in our life in so long, or any cheating, and it is so strange to have sorta relived all of our relationship. Yes, I could have just let it die and never brought it up. But this is my blog & I am going to be honest. I am going to share things that I wouldn't on my regular blog. Things that are taboo, things that make people eyes widen.
  I love you & I always will. I am so glad that we have gotten through and now we are living the life that we were always supposed to.
  Always yours Mr. H ♥

Note: Mr. H & I have not always had issues, there were months and years where we were amazing, and we had fun, and even when the bad was there, we had fun, we did things and actually enjoyed eachother company.

1 comment:

  1. The end of your letter made my heart smile. Thanks for sharing :)