{it's the end of the world as I know it.}

& I don't feel fine.

Yeah, I changed the words-whatev.

It's my blog & I do what I want.

{mostly.}

Lately, we have been fighting, Mr. H and I. Not the type of fighting that means anything. Just the type that happens when the other never cleans up after themselves, or leaves the cupboards open, the dirty dishes on the counter, dirty socks on the floor, lets the dogs run through the house with muddy feet, never putting the toilet seat down, muddy boots, laying on the couch when I am at work, every little thing that happens when your husband has been laid off for just under three weeks, and plans to be laid off until the middle of September. 

 So I nag. I am tired. I work full time. I get up at 5:10 and leave a sleeping husband in our nice warm, california king. I go to work. I smile for eight-ten hours. I am nice to people ALL DAY LONG. I come home to a mess. I come home to a very bored husband, that most of the time is acting like a teenager, whiney, hungry, bored. HONESTLY? You are TWENTY-TWO years old. Get off the couch. Turn off the tv. Do the dishes. Switch the laundry. Start dinner. Quit your bitching. You still have a job. You WILL be going back to work--in a month. You are NOT that bad off. We have to figure out a way to pay rent for ONE month, not six. CHILL OUT!

I am a little caught off gaurd by what he told me today--he wants a divorce. He is moving out this weekend. Last night he didn't come home. He stayed at his sisters. He and I had been fine, no major problems. He was helping his brother in law get his rental ready. He told me that we would go to dinner and a movie, I got off work, tired, hungry and ready to eat some good food. He wasn't going to be ready for awhile. It made me mad. I didn't want to wait around, he had made a big deal about hanging out and how we don't ever do anything. He wanted me to go home, get ready, then drive twenty minutes to pick him, go back home so he could get ready and then go to the movie and then dinner. I said No. I would just wait for him to get home whenever. He didn't call me until 9 somthing.

   

I went to a movie with a friend around 7:30. I was done. I didn't want to sit around anymore. He told me that all I do is cause fights, which I probablly do. But not for no reason. I am just so fed up with everything. If he wants out--then sweet- Go. But don't take all your money, go be stupid, and then come back when you are broke. Him walking away, leaves me a week before payday, two weeks before the house payment is due, and about 500 dollars in bills due. Not all of those will get paid- the house payment will be late because I cannot afford to pay it all by myself and I will have to probablly borrow money from my parents just to get back and forth to work and school.

  Grrr. I seriously hate him sometimes.

MIA ♥

MIA--Better known as-- Mother. Intervention. Alcoholic.

   Growing up, before we moved, and lost the business, before we lost all the money we had coming in, before life changed..My mom didn't drink. I mean I guess she did, but I never noticed, alcohol would sit in our house for months, and go undrank. I remember going shopping, all the time, and trips to the mall, going to parks, regular things that moms take you to do.
   I was in high school when I realized my mom had started drinking more than usual parents. Sure, I had friends that would have a few beers every now and then, but my mom..she drank. A lot. We had bottles of liquor in the cupboards, pantry, outside fridge, everywhere. We were the party house, my mom drank enough that we could steal the alcohol from her, and she never once questioned us about it, because she wanted to be the cool parents..or if she just really didn't notice that it was gone.
    I moved out when I was 18, into my grandma's after a blow out with my mom about drinking. She had went from the calm drink all the time sort of person, to the hiding it slightly, and driving. {It is weird to see how far she has advanced since I was 16 years old, how much she has changed in those years} I noticed the drinking more as the years went by. More empty beer cans, more stops at the store for beer, more beer in her truck. Just always beer everywhere.
     It is now to the point where my mom starts drinking at six in the morning, and doesn't stop until she goes to bed around midnight or so. She drinks all day long. Probablly buckets and buckets of beer, she goes to the bar now. Something she used to not do. She'll order food from town, and go to get it around six, and not come home with the food until close to nine. She doesn't realize she has been gone that long, or why the food is cold. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong, and when my sisters and father are upset with her, she plays it off like she just left, and that they must of sold her cold food. It is sad.
    She and I talk almost every day. Sometimes though, she calls me late at night, just hours after we last talked, and yells at me, because "We haven't spoken in days." She is serious about the fact that she hasn't talked to me in days. It is so frustrating. I try not to get upset.

   I have been watching Intervention lately, mostly bawling my eyes out, THE WHOLE FREAKEN SHOW! I would love to get my whole family on board to do an intervention with my mother. She is dangerous to herself, and others. She used to weigh right about 235 lbs, she now has dropped a ton of weight and weighs right at 160, maybe. She gets frequent nose bleeds, she has bruises all over her body that just pop up whenever she bumps into anything. I know there is something else going on, but she refuses to go to the doctor. It is beyond frustrating to me.
   I have tried to get my whole family to do an intervention, to call the cops when she drives, to take the keys away before she drives, to take away the money she buys the alcohol with, and everyone is on board, til it comes down to doing it. Then when I step up and say "This is it! We as a family are done!"..I turn around and I am the only one standing there. Everyone likes to bitch about it, but no one is willing to do anything to rock the boat. No one wants her to be mad at them, me..I guess I just don't care.

   I hope one day, my family will be able to see that there is something that needs to be done, but until then, I guess I am going at this battle alone.

Until next time,
 Mrs. H

Dear Husband, Part Four

I have always been the one to pick up the pieces after a break up, or melt down, and the turning point, or breaking point of everything happened about 8 months ago. I had seen C about a month after we had been married, and I really thought that things would desolve with us, and that C and I would finally make a decision to be together, and make a life together. I kept pushing you, further and further away, hoping that you would leave, because I was a coward. I didn't want to be the one that ended things, I wasn't even sure I wanted to end things. I just wanted to be able to have both you & C in my life, and I guess also..in my bed.
    On the night that broke me, we had gotten into a huge fight, and I left. I packed and I didn't look back, at least at first. I went to dinner with my sister, you called and asked if I would be home..I told you that I probablly wouldn't. I made plans to hang out with C, I had been talking to him almost every day, all day long. I went over there after dinner, we stayed the night together. When I came home the next morning, you were just getting home also. I knew instantly that you had done the same thing that I had. I knew that you had found someone else. Even thought you didn't admit it right away, I knew. Finally I got the whole story, parts from you, and parts from girls that didn't even know me, but thought I should know the whole story.
     It broke my heart, for the first time in our relationship you had actually slept with another girl while we were still together. Yes, I am a hypocrite, yes, I sound crazy, but I was devastated by the act. I realized exactly how you had felt every time you found out about C and I. I never wanted to ever be with anyone ever again. I never wanted to see you again. I turned off my phone. I went to work, and then went to my moms and stayed. I cried, I went crazy, I wrote you the meanest letter I could muster. You continued to go out to the bars and get trashed every night. Tuesday morning I had the day off and I went to town and got divorce papers. I filled them out, texted you to tell you that I would file them on Friday when I got paid, you were devasted. I don't know what you had expected.
    You offered to do anything in your power to make it work. Our relationship had been stable, and the reason it was going so bad was because I wanted it to go bad. I always turned into a different person when I started talking to C.. I held off on filing the papers with the agreement that we would go to counseling. We went separately for weeks before we started going together, while also going separately. It was and is the hardest thing we have ever gone through. There hadn't been violence in our relationship, in over a year when the event happened where we both stepped out.
   After the night with C, I called him bawling to tell him what I had found out about you. He was furious. He didn't get why I was upset that you had stepped out. I had wanted out. I was out. And again I was going back to you. And not going to him. I have talked to him once after all of this, just recently, I texted his phone number on accident, one of our friends is similar and somewhere in my brain his number came out of my finger tips. He was rude, and told me that I had broken his heart over and over again. And that he had loved me. I didn't know what to do. I had loved him. I had wanted him to tell me what to do. I wanted him to tell me to leave you and be with him, yet he would never. I just stopped texting him.
    I am not going to say there are not days when I want to be in a different world, where C and I grew old together, when you and I are going through a rut, where we are both so exhausted from work and that it has been weeks since we were intimate, but then I think that I would never have the beautiful house that I have with you. Or the amazing late night conversations, or the text that I get from you. I have always chose you, and I am so happy that I did.
  Through my letters to you, I have kinda made you out to be the bad guy, I realize that I am at fault for a lot of the frustration, and hurt, and pain that causes a lot of our problems. I have had such a hard time with being faithful, and even if we did have a rough start, there have been some of the best times that I have ever had, with you. You are a hard worker, and you have grown so much in the years since we first got together at 18 year old kids, now that we're on the brink of 25, it just doesn't seem possible that I have spent that much time with you.
 We haven't had any violence in our life in so long, or any cheating, and it is so strange to have sorta relived all of our relationship. Yes, I could have just let it die and never brought it up. But this is my blog & I am going to be honest. I am going to share things that I wouldn't on my regular blog. Things that are taboo, things that make people eyes widen.
  I love you & I always will. I am so glad that we have gotten through and now we are living the life that we were always supposed to.
  Always yours Mr. H ♥



Note: Mr. H & I have not always had issues, there were months and years where we were amazing, and we had fun, and even when the bad was there, we had fun, we did things and actually enjoyed eachother company.

Dear Husband, Part 3

On our one month wedding anniversary you had missed road crew so many times that you had the make up the time/finish the time in jail. I had hounded you to just finish your roadcrew, but again, you thought you were above the law. When you went in to talk with the court, they let you know that you needed to come spend a week in jail. It was horrible to see you go back to jail. I cried when you left. I didn't want to spend another week without you.
  C emailed me the night you went in. He always had a way of knowing exactly what was going on in my life, even when we didn't talk. He wanted to hang out, just as friends, that was the night we went to the lake. I honestly thought of leaving you, even after that, C and I talked on a pretty regular basis.
   I guess while writing to you, I skipped a few years or parts, because, I forgot the time that you and I separated, before we were married, years ago, when we had only been together a year or two. We went out to a race track, I had been drinking with friends, and a girl pulled you to the side saying Hi, I was oblivious to the actual conversation, and later she added you to her myspace. I didn't think anything of that either, we both had guy and girl friends. You told me that you two had been really good friends when you were younger. Again, I thought nothing. Your best friend A told me that you considered her "the one that got away", I started watching closer to the way you were acting, hiding your phone from view, texting more than usual, spending more time on the internet, picking more fights. After about a month, you and I got into a huge argument, about something that didn't matter, you moved your stuff out of the house, and within a week you had moved to another town 2 hours away with V. I was devastated. I wasn't sure what to do. You would call every so often to talk, mostly while she was at work, or sleeping or in the shower. It was horrible, and I hated every minute of it. I wanted you to come home, but after two weeks of being told you were not coming home, I quit taking your calls, and quit calling you. I went on with my life, did the school, work, life things, and was actually doing really well getting along. C and I started hanging out more and more. Spending the night together, and doing things the way life could have been together.
     I found out about three months after you left that I was pregnant. I didn't know if it was yours or Cs, I told you that I thought that I was pregnant, you were livid, you told me that if I had the baby that you would take it. About a month after I found out, I had stopped talking to you, still hadn't told C about the baby, when I started cramping, and bleeding. I went to the dr, and I miscarried. I was happy. It sounds horrible, but I was actually relieved. I didn't have to deal with the drama of it, anymore.
    I had stopped talking to you all together. I went out with friends, I hung out with anyone I wanted. I hadn't talked to you in a little over a month. I had planned a weekend away. I left town on a Friday and when I called on Sunday to check my voicemail, you answered the phone, you had been living with V for months, you had messed with my mind over and over again. I came home, and you were still there. We once again worked through things.

Dear Husband, Part 2

While on the phone with your mom, I wanted to get to the bottom of it, you and I had slept together the night after we went to the coast, and I thought we were going to go somewhere relationship wise. I asked your mom for TM's number, I called her and told her everything about us. How we had already been together, and that we had been spending a lot of time together. You called in the middle of our conversation, and I told you I was talking to her, I don't know what you expected from me, if you wanted me to stay or go, or what. But I stayed. I thought that our relationship had potential, I should have seen that it had been doomed from the start.
    In December you asked me to officially be yours. We stayed together most nights, a few weeks into our relationship, you and TM met to go through old pictures, and you two kissed, you told me almost immediatly, I should have left, but I didn't. After I found out I got a text from C, he missed me. I starting talking to him, I miss him. He and I had been so close before you and I had started talking. You had things to do one night, and I stayed at home instead of at CJ's, that night I met up with C. It was amazing. He knows exactly the way to touch, talk, breathe, everything around me. You don't know the secrets he does. The things that I learned and love from him, things that you just don't know about me, and no matter how hard I try to show you what it could be like..it isn't the same as him.
      We moved in together in Janurary, and we were good for a while. Off and on, if we were fighting, you would call TM, and try to spend time with her, I would talk to C, he was my go to person. We were good most of the time. Then after awhile the fighting got worse, TM was in our life all the time, she was apart of your family events, your sisters wedding, everything that we wanted to be apart of, and on top of that every time you and I would spend time apart from eachother you would call her. You weren't working, you didn't have your licence or a car to drive. I didn't know what I was getting myself into.
    I continued to talk to C on and off, and see him occasionally. Pretty soon the fighting turned from more than yelling, to screaming in my face, and within a year it had escalated into pushing me and shoving me. Within six months of that, the shoving turned to hitting, and slapping, and eventualy you put my teeth through my bottom lip, blackened my eye numberous times, covered my arms in bruises so many time that most of my clothes were long sleeved, and gave me more bloody noses than I can recall.
    Again I stayed. I would leave, and come back, always telling myself that you would change, that you didn't mean it, that things would get better. One night after you did all of the above to me, I left the next morning and walked into the police department, they took pictures, and reports, but did nothing. You came back into my life, sweet talked your way, made everything all better, and then you got pulled over for speeding months later and they took you to jail. I talked to C when you were in jail. I leaned on him, he told me to leave and never look back, to come and be with him. I faught for you through weeks of not being able to see you or speak to you on our own terms, you were not allowed within a 10 mile radius of me.
     I would sneak into your hotel room and spend a few hours with you. I remember the first night I did it, I hadn't seen you in weeks, and had only been able to talk on the phone. It was so nice to be back in your arms. I faught for you through your trial, I stood before people and told them that it had only happened once, that you had never done it after that, that we were in love and that we were getting married. They gave you the least amount of punishment possible. And then we got married...

Dear Husband, pt 1.

     Dear Husband,
     
             There is a reason why you and I are like oil and water. I am not sure what it is, or why it is the way it is. We have been like that our entire relationship, from the very begining. We first got together and we barley knew eachother. We had only know of eachother for a few short months, and then we started hanging out on a more regular basis. Going to the same parties, hanging out at CJ's house. You spending the night out in the living room, or drinking all night long with all the guys that used to crash there. We first seen eachother in the summer, and nothing really happened, we just kinda flirted, and made eyes at eachother, then in November things changed. We started spending more time together, you started really flirting with me.
      I wasn't into it. You were pesky, and not the type of guy that I was into, and on top of that--I had guys that I was hanging out with. I was young, and thought I was untouchable, I was sleeping with whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted. And then it seemed that at every party, there you were, trying to catch my eye, or trying to be next to me. Why me? You had a girlfriend the whole time, that I had no idea about.  A girl that even to this day in our relationship is a huge issue.
     The weekend of Thanksgiving your girlfriend was out of town {which I still had no idea that you even had a girlfriend to begin with}, and you spent most of your time at CJ's and partien with our crowd. Friday night, you tried to kiss me, I laughed it off, and left with the guy I had came with. Saturday while driving to the cliffs to party with CJ and two other girls I told her that you had tried to kiss me. One of the girls asked if I was really talking about you, and how you actually had a girlfriend.
       I refused to talk to you after that. I was annoyed. I wasn't going to be played by some guy, that I didn't like. But deep down, I knew I liked you. I just wasn't ready to admit it, by Monday TM {your girlfriend} knew all about what you had been doing while she was gone. You told me Tuesday that you had broken up with her, and you and I spent a little bit more time together, sharing the couch, mild flirting, and I was considering giving you more of a chance. I let my guard down, and I actually spent some time together, one night late you convinced me to go to the coast with you, at about 11:15, we got there around one in the morning, and I had so much fun. We walked on the beach, cuddled in the sand, and talked about everything we could think of. I decided that might to give you more of a chance.
     We started talking on the phone, and calling eachother to say good night, planning to go on a date the following weekend. One night I was waiting for a call from you, and when my phone rang I thought it was you..I answered it "Hey babe."..to my surprise it was not you on the other line. It was your mother. She was calling to tell me that you & TM were still together and that you two had plans to hang out that weekend, and that you had never broken up. Once again, I felt stupid, little did I know that would be the first of many time you would make me feel stupid.

Sometimes..

I really have no idea what I am doing with Mr. H. I am happy, for the most part. But what about those days where he is so mean to me. Or the times years ago that he was violent, and made me cry on a regular basis.